It's late. And I'm definitely going to regret being up this late. But there's something that's bothering me and not even Transformers can put me to sleep. And maybe...just maybe...if I get it out, I'll be able to sleep.
So tonight I found out a *person* doesn't like me. And, because of that, won't be coming to my wedding with my friend - who this *person* is closely associated with. We'll leave it there.
It's not the first time I have found out someone doesn't like me. But that doesn't make it any easier. I can't please everyone. I won't even try. I'm human...I make mistakes. But I never try and hurt people on purpose. I hate that. So when I find out I have hurt someone, I want to make amends. And probably in the most annoying, persistent way. That's just me.
But this time...there honestly is no reason for this *person's* dislike. My friend has no idea why this *person* doesn't like me (and I, at the same time, found out said *person* also doesn't like my fiance). I'm not going to go in depth into the reasons given, as it doesn't matter - but I will say they are petty and childish in my case and completely untrue in my fiance's case. I barely have any interaction with this *person* - except randomly through my friend and I have always been polite and nice when I was around the *person* (or so I thought).
It must be so exhausting to dislike and hold grudges against so many people for such petty reasons. Forgiving is freedom...and it feels so good. Humans were meant to forgive each other.
I know, logically, not everyone is going to like me. But dangit...I certainly try. I've always been that way. I've always wanted people to like me - even the girls who made fun of me in grade school because I didn't wear fancy dresses to school like them. And when people don't like me - whether they have reasons or not - I feel as though I must fix it!
The first thing I do when I find out someone doesn't like me is usually cry (yeah, yeah, I'm a total girl). Then I try and figure out why. There had to be something I did or said. When I can't think of a reason, I start to beat myself up. I start to question if I'm a good person. Do I think I'm better than people? Do I judge? Am I kind? Or am I completely mean?
First off: I do not think I am better than anyone. I have never thought that. As a kid, I had the lowest self-esteem. I thought everyone was better than me. And it frustrated the heck out of my mom. Only recently have I gained any self-confidence. And it's wobbly most of the time.
Now, I do tend to judge people. I am fully aware of this. Like I said before, I am human and sometimes I am quick to judge someone before giving them a true chance. And maybe there's an underlying reason to this behavior. But whether or not there is, I hate hurting people and I don't like it when I catch myself judging someone. I try to not do it. So I am conscious of it and it's something I try and work on.
And I strive to be be kind to everyone no matter what - because I do not know what they are going through. I try and remember that a smile or a simple "hello" could possibly make the difference in someone's life.
Oh - and I like myself. I do. I probably wouldn't be where I am if I didn't. And I don't think I'm a terrible person. I try and follow the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have done to you." Overall I think I have a good heart and I really try and follow the path that heart lays before me. I do hurt people. But when I do (whether I really did or not), I feel bad. And I want to make it better - even though sometimes there's just no fixing things.
So that brings me to just accepting the fact that some people just won't like me - no matter what I do. It hurts - but there's nothing I can do and to try and make them like me would be a cruel injustice to myself and to them as a person. I just have to accept it and maybe realize it's not really even about me. If I can't find a reason they don't like me, maybe it's them. And I don't want to associate myself with people who don't like people just because. So maybe this is OK. Sometimes finding out someone doesn't like you really gives you a chance to internalize how you're doing as a human...it gives you the chance to figure out who you are and if you like yourself. Because if you don't...how can other people?
And it reminds me that God likes me. He thinks I'm pretty swell otherwise I wouldn't be here to begin with. So no matter how many people don't like me, lots of people love me - especially God. And that's really good enough for me.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
OK, wow. One month. Woooo.
Can’t believe it.
Last weekend I moved out of my apartment. MY beautiful apartment. I miss it already! But I’m thoroughly enjoying farm life in Plattsmouth with my parents. Lots of cats, dogs and chickens. Oh and fresh air, peace and quiet – and HOME COOKED MEALS. Not that I never cooked when I lived on my own – I did. But no one – and I mean NO ONE – cooks like your own parents. No one. Well, maybe grandmas.
It’s weird, though, living in a place without most all of my stuff. I have about half my closet and a few other knickknacks I need on a daily basis with me. The rest is currently sitting in boxes at Kevin and I’s new place (which I am totally in love with).
It’s a little chaotic at the moment…we have LOTS of unpacking to do (but it’s on its way). And there will probably be more that needs to go to the Goodwill. But moving just catches you off-guard. You always forget how hard it is until it’s actually knocking at your front door in the form of 10 friends and a moving truck. Geez.
And it’s emotional! It never really has been before for me…but this place was different! And no one really tells you, when you’re planning a wedding, how hard it is to move in with your husband- or wife-to-be (I haven't moved in with him yet…he's just receivec all my stuff). All they tell you about is how hard planning a wedding is. Psh. That’s been easy compared to this.
I’ve been on my own since I was 22. I have made my own money, paid my own bills and bought my own stuff. I’ve never had to share that with anyone. Not that I don’t want to completely share all this with Kevin. I do. I very much do. More than anything I can’t wait to start our life together. But it’s hard to get used to the idea of it being our money, our house and our stuff. And I'm not married quite yet.
Also…when you live on your own for just about six years, you accumulate lots of freaking stuff. Holy crap. I have boxes full of high school and college stuff, clothes, tons of dishes, couches, art stuff, movies, etc., etc., etc. Now combine all that with someone who also has been living on his own for about the same amount of time (actually a bit longer).
That makes for lots of trips to the Goodwill and lots of breakdowns when trying to let go of things like high school track and cross country spikes. Really?! Maybe some of you out there don’t get emotionally attached to stuff. But I do. I really do.
But at the end of the weekend, when the old apartment was immaculately clean and the last box had been stuffed into my car at 2:15 a.m., I didn’t cry. Either I was too exhausted or I had finally come to terms with leaving the single Ashlee behind (almost). It’s been a rollercoaster of a ride but one that I am SO happy to finally be at the end of.
And though it might seem like I’m complaining, I’m actually very thankful for the experience of being completely on my own. I’ve grown into a strong, independent person and I’ve learned how the world operates (somewhat, anyway). I learned to take care of myself – before I chose the path of being responsible for someone else – and someday, children. It’s been fun.
What it comes down to…is I am SO ready to be married to Kevin…to be his wife and to stand by him through both the good and the bad. I couldn’t ask for a better man to spend the rest of my life with – to build a family and a beautiful life with. It’s going to be wonderful. Let it begin!