Tuesday, March 4, 2014

March...

Today I had to return to the real world. After 11 blissful weeks of maternity leave, I am back at work. I knew, all along, that today would be tough, but I didn't know just HOW tough it would be. I've been on an emotional rollercoaster all day. Yesterday it was just Sam and I. I turned down requests to hang out with people (except to have my mom over for lunch) because I wanted one last day with just me and my baby. And it was wonderful. Last night, as I was getting ready and packing all of his stuff for today, it really hit me. I thought how I wouldn't be hanging out at home with him, but he'd, instead, be at a daycare with people he doesn't know. I wondered if he'd be scared? And that was an awful thought to have...because I pretty much fell apart after that. This morning, Sam woke up at about 6 a.m. So, like every morning, Kevin brought him to bed with us so we could all cuddle. I never wanted that hour to end. But at 7 a.m., it was time to get going. Now, Sam is always a very happy baby in the morning...and today he wasn't. I wonder if he somehow knew what was going on? Maybe he sensed something in me? The fear, the anxiety. He screamed bloody murder for almost 10 minutes before finally falling asleep in my arms as I rocked him. He was still sleeping when we left him at daycare...which was hard. I wanted so much to wake him up and tell him bye so he wouldn't have to wake up to a strange place and a stranger's face. But he needed to sleep. So Kevin and I left and I silently prayed he would be OK. About two hours into work, our babysitter texted me a photo of Sam. He looked happy. She said he was an angel. I started feeling better. While I wish he could be with me all day, I take comfort knowing he's in a small in-home daycare with only a few kids and a provider who will take time to comfort and play with him. Who will send me updates and make sure I know he's OK. I feel better about that. Plus, everyone has been so kind to me today. My co-workers set up balloons and a welcome back sign in my new desk. They also printed out and framed photos of Sam and set them up at my desk. And my parents sent me flowers. People have also been messaging and texting me all day. I couldn't ask for a better support system. I wouldn't have made it through this day without that. I just hope each day gets better. I know it will...but I guess I hope it happens sooner rather than later. And I can't wait for it to be 5 p.m. I can't wait to hug my precious baby and kiss his chubby cheeks! XOXO, MJ